got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
