My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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