The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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