Plan B is the new Plan A
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
