They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Randomize
