does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Pooping to opera.
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