My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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