I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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