Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
