Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
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He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
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When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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