i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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