Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
