I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
