i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
