you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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