the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
