i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
