don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
