So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
