every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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