there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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