But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
