Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Then you guys just all showered together...?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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