i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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