did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
