in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
