Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
