Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
