Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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