One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I think my moral compass just broke
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
