There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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