Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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