see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
