Someone shit on the floor
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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