The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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