We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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