meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
