your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
