I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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