Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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