filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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