I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
