I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
