It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
