my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize