Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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