i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
