He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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