Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
