There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You need Xanax blowdarts
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
