did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
