You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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