also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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