so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
