y did u give ur computer a hand job?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
