i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
