I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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